Today, or Tomorrow..

Today,

I will drive by your house and not look to see if your car is parked in the driveway.

Today,

I will Cruise by your work and not look for you on the street.

Today,

I will pass by your old job and not get goosebumps.

Today,

I won’t lie in my bed and smell my pillow, wishing it still smelt of you.

Today,

My heart won’t skip ten beats when our song comes on Spotify.

Today,

I won’t walk the trail we took and wish you were still guiding me.

Today,

I won’t strum my guitar and feel my stomach clinch with each note.

Today,

I won’t look at your picture a thousand times.

Today,

My heart won’t stop at the mention of your name.

Today,

I won’t watch the video we made on repeat and cry.

Today,

I won’t replay every single conversation in my head.

Today,

I won’t drive around town wishing I’d bump into you.

Today,

I won’t check your Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat a thousand times.

Today,

I won’t look back at your messages and wait for your “read” icon to appear.

Today,

I won’t close my eyes and hear your voice singing to me.

Today,

I won’t brush over my hand with the other and wish it was yours instead.

Today,

I will let you go.

Today,

I will find a new reason to smile.

I will pass by your house and not look for your car in the driveway,

But

Maybe not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

-M_M13

Toxicity

In one month,

You made me feel:

Amazing

Happy

Worthy

Respected

Loved

Important

Special

Infatuated

Passionate

Perfect.

Okay

Mediocre

Average

Lonely

Less important

Second fiddle

Doubtful

Nervous.

Disrespected

Scared

Sad

Angry

Hurt

Heartbroken

Worthless

Neglected

Useless

Trash

Forgotten

Anxiety

Lost

Played

Broken

Alone.

In one month;

you found a way to destroy me.

-M_M13

To The Boy At The Double Quick On Hwy 317 In Neon..

I saw your car parked outside,

So I knew you was working.

I made my way in and wondered aimlessly around the store.

So intrigued by the new line of chips.

Amazed at the drink selection.

Mesmerized by the dessert display.

Truth is,

I didn’t need that can of monster.

Truth is,

I didn’t want that Mr. Goodbar.

I just needed a reason to see you.

I hoped you’d notice my new shoes.

Or comment on my hair.

I’d hope you’d see the sparkle of hope in my eyes,

Like fireworks in a pitch black sky,

And think to yourself,

“Wow! Look at her!”

I’d hope you’d notice that I wore eyeshadow,

Just for you.

I thought you’d be impressed that I know how to look like a girl.

I’d hoped you’d mention my band shirt and it would strike up a conversation ,

That would last well into the night,

And maybe lead to a fast food breakfast in bed buffet.

I’d hoped you’d notice my septum ring,

It’s new too.

You didn’t.

You didn’t notice me at all.

Until I dropped my money as I fumbled to reach it to you.

I nervously laughed and poured out a million apologies.

In the midst of flying coins, nervous laughter and cringey exchanges,

You noticed me.

What a time to be noticed!

And you smiled.

In that moment,

You didn’t see the girl I wanted you to see,

You saw the girl I really was.

And you smiled.

“Wow! Look at that smile!”

I thought.

Maybe tomorrow,

I’ll build up the nerve to say more.

Maybe, I’ll wear just the right band T-shirt to catch your attention.

Or maybe the right shoes.

Maybe I’ll drop my drink and then slip in it.

Tomorrow has endless possibilities.

And a million chances for me to embarrass myself,

And to see youR face light up the room.

So to the boy at the double quick on Hwy 317 in Neon,

Truth is,

I didn’t need that monster.

Truth is,

I didn’t want that Mr. Goodbar.

I just needed to see you smile.

-M_M13

Love Deprivation

My heart aches with a burning, unseen by human eyes.

It whispers broken hymns to my soul, where it provides the bricks for an impenetrable wall of hatred and hurt.

My soul screams out for love, but pulls in nothing but failure riddled with anxiety.

I crave a love, deep and meaningful, caring and forgiving, true and trusting.

I want to be loved, for who I am.

I want someone to fall in love with my heart, not my body.

I want to look into someone’s eyes, and melt.

I want to hear love radiate through his words and feel the passion in his kiss.

Love should be simple.

Nothing is simple.

You shouldn’t have to change who you are, to be loved.

There is someone in this world, for everyone.

I believe that.

At least, I am told I should.

Someone who loved you before they even knew of your existence.

The struggle we face, is not pursuing that love, but the discovery of it.

Love is a disguise for lust.

For self fulfillment.

These actors, take your heart in their hands,

The very hands they promise to never hurt you with,

And they squeeze, until the life seeps between their fingers,

And when the beating subsides to a slow, deep, tremor..

They reach it back and walk away.

Left,

feeling used and unworthy,

You wonder,

“why?”

The most common word on the lips of the sad and the broken.

Truth is,

Everyone, even those selfish actors, is worthy of love.

Even if they don’t know how to treat it when it stands beside them.

It’s so easy to love someone.

Believe me.

My heart drops to its knees time and time again,

For people so undeserving.

But who am I?

To say, who is undeserving?

The hardest part, is the education in it all.

Learning from mistakes made, never repeating them.

That! That is the hardest part.

I know my mistakes.

I know the roads my heart should follow.

But it’s not ready to travel them just yet.

Against my minds better judgment,

My heart drags me down these beaten paths,

With the same glimmer of hope it’s always had.

It says to me,

“Believe.”

“Offer another chance.”

“Have faith.”

Reluctantly, I listen,

Knowing it will only lead to complete emotional devastation.

Nonetheless,

I pursue these leads with hope,

Only to wage another war,

Inside my head.

To lose another sliver of what’s left of me.

I tell myself,

“Be numb.”

“Be cold.”

“Be hateful.”

I try to convince myself that I am stronger than the girl inside of me, breaking down.

I try to make myself believe I’m not hurting,

When in fact, I’m being torn apart.

When you see me,

You’re being deceived.

You see a strong, happy girl.

The girl I want you to see.

But if your eyes could see beneath my skin,

If it could see the color of my soul,

You would see a damaged, weak, terrified hue of gray.

A shadow of what I am now as opposed to who I once was.

I believe,

Love is the only thing worth fighting for in this world.

At least, I’m told that I should.

I think,

love is the only reason for life.

How can one person be so sad,

So hurt,

So broken, by one single emotion?

My response is this;

Love is all I’ve ever had to live for.

Love is the reason I wake,

And continue my breathing every day.

Love is who I am.

Love is all that I need.

The key to life is happiness,

The key to true happiness,

Is love.

I’m loving and passionate,

Because I was taught to be.

At least, that’s what I’m told.

I’d never break a heart,

Nor hesitate to mend one.

I need one person like me,

To love me,

To be the loving creature I crave so fiercely.

My search continues day to day,

And every night I pray for the strength to endure one more.

For one day,

May be all I need, for someone to fall into my arms,

And into my soul.

I’ve known love and loss.

Neither are easy, both are inevitable.

If it takes every moment of my life,

I’ll never stop searching for that love.

Longing is much older than love,

And forever will be.

I’m blessed with my mistakes,

And the knowledge gained from each.

With that knowledge,

I will go forth,

Ignore it,

Once again,

And let my heart wonder out without a mere can of pepper spray.

I will have faith,

My next venture will bring me what I am looking for.

At least, that’s what I’m told I should believe.

-M_M13

My Demetris, Your Hermia

You’re intoxicating.

The sweetest serenity, a sinful trinity

With an angel light.

My personal demon, in a tailored disguise.

Black tinged tears flow,

A stained porcelain face.

Sitting closer than a soul, frozen for days.

Clawing through your heart, searching for my place.

You’re the demon in my head,

The very hate in my soul.

The fire in my being,

But I can not let you go.

When the rivers overflow,

With tragedies of yesterday,

I will sing you my songs,

My poems will scream your name.

You’re the drug that I cling to.

You’re my poison in life,

Killing me softly,

Under the starry moonlight.

You’re ever so inviting,

With your cruel intentions.

Undermining my every breath,

With your selfish convictions.

I run,

I run so far away,

Into the darkest of nights,

My darkest of days.

Look,

Look for me,

I’ll be seeping with crimson love,

Under a moon of catastrophe.

Find me,

Blowing away with the wind,

Resting in the twilight,

Until angels descend.

Stand in the wake of my ruins

And kick at the dust.

When you wipe your feet,

Remember,

That was us.

Please,

Wade into the waters

Of my bottomless seas,

Take back everything,

There’s nothing left for you,

Nothing,

But me.

I may be the one,

To accept the blame,

But faith is never lost

For,

“God is in the rain.”

-M_Mass13